I took a nap today, guys.
I took a nap, and I didn’t even feel guilty after the first 5 minutes!
Human me has spent a fair bit of time self-flagellating over getting drawn to trance. If I’m listening to a track, a meditation, a call, I’m fine. If I’m actually just tired and need to sleep, human self is cool with that, after a bit of grumbling.
But taking a nap, just because? Even though it is being drawn to trance and receive and integrate, human still wants to judge and put up a fight.
There are all these old programs still running in my subconscious, that I need to be “productive”, that I need to get a certain amount of things done in a day, and then I can have a nap.
And naps, somehow, are only “allowed” when it’s raining or snowing or when the weather is horrid. If it’s nice, you “should be” outside in it.
Because, says human mind, if I’m not “working”, if I’m not bringing in money/a paycheque, if I’m not contributing in a way that the mind thinks is worthy, then at least I’m out in the Sun, raising my vibration.
(If I Ascend, I’m good enough, right? Finally? Says the human, says the spiritual ego, says the small parts) If I take in enough Light, then it won’t hurt so much to be here, right? And all of that is true, on one level of existence. The higher the vibration is raised, the higher the ascension into all the realms of Love, the less pain as an immutable thing. The more you feel, the less it hurts….eventually.
The Heart that is already Ascended laughs, and says oh darling! The concept of “good enough” does not exist in the realms of Truth, for there is an implied concept of less than, as if something in you, as if you yourself could be ever anything less than God!
…At least I’m out in the Sun, burning away everything that feels yucky, says smallness (as if the yucky isn’t divine too!). Or listening to a meditation, or journaling, or doing all the things that keep me consistently “up”. If my vibration is high, then I won’t empath everything unconsciously, then I can be in those gorgeous states of joy and expansion, and the spaces where my Soul can just sing.
For a long time, there was this in-between place, of super high frequencies, and then getting knocked down to the dense of the dense. No longer!
—There is peace, flowing from within. Forever.
The Light of the Great Central Sun, the Galactic Sun of God at the centre of the Diamond Heart of these glorious galaxies is within you! NOW. All of you! Breathe in and find that Light, and know the holy truth of your Being.
These states of beauty and joy ARE the natural state, Beloveds. The more you allow yourself to be in them, the more they increase, the more the human (all the scared, sad, angry parts!) dissolve back into the Light.—-
I was beating myself up SO MUCH, for not, seriously, seriously not being able to “function”, to get a “regular job”, to support myself the way a “regular human” would.
The thing small parts kept forgetting was, I’m NOT a regular human! I haven’t been one for a very long time, if ever. And even then, it only felt like I was playing one. Like how human teenage me used to “play at” being a girl, and always seemed to fall short, to not match up with the other girls. Like I’m a star in a human costume. Some galactic star being in disguise.
I forgot I was never meant to fit in. Fitting in means death of creativity, means death of the Soul. Fitting in means making myself small, smaller than all that I AM.
Ascension, Beloveds. We can never go back to small.
Human skin didn’t fit anymore, hadn’t fit for a long long, long time, but I was still trying to make it fit. I was so empathic that I was picking up absolutely everything from my environment, from all the people around me, and in a constant state of anxiety/ paralyzing depression, constant nervousness, and discomfort in my own created skin that felt too small.
That darling tribe mentality, of fit in or die, conform or you don’t eat, agree or your line dies, all of this was about survival, ancient and primal and it felt huge and terrifying and overwhelming.
All the memories unless I specifically need them in a moment have gone back to the Akashic Records, in storage, and it’s a beautiful thing.
So I don’t remember any specific instances, just low level dread and terror and hating life, and hating the body I was in, and not understanding why the people around me seemed to “get it”, when I felt so lost. Like they could get jobs and feed themselves and be human, and I didn’t know how. I didn’t know how to function in the world, because the world was too scary, too overwhelming. Too loud and too chaotic, and filled with so much pain. How could people be out in it? How could they function?
…And then I realized not everyone else felt this way. Or this deeply. Or sometimes at all. Like they were just shut off(because they were. Because you can’t do survival AND be EVERYTHING you’ve come here to be).
But for many years of my life, I thought everyone was just being mean about their energetics. (Can’t you feel that? Can’t you hear the pain in your voice? Don’t you know you’re lying to yourself? Can’t you see how bad he is for you, or how that job is not going to turn out well? Can’t you see? Don’t you feel how awful this feels?)
Everyone was always projecting so much pain, because we don’t know how to handle it. It’s not our natural state, so we push it away, we suppress it, because it hurts, until it gets unbearable, and then we shrink or lash out in cycles.
I ended up unconsiously taking on all of it. It felt personal. Like everyone’s energetics, vibrational state, mood, and experiences (and how they interpreted those experiences) were mine. My responsibility, because I could see, and they couldn’t. Like I was supposed to do something about it, even if I didn’t entirely remember what.
I thought as a little kid, everyone’s energy was somehow my responsibility, and my fault, when they weren’t in a complete love and light space (which let’s face it, was almost all of the time). I thought as a child I had done something wrong, that their anger, or their fear, or their sadness, or their discomfort was my fault. Every time someone raised their voice to me, the tone of the vibration literally felt like I was being stabbed, repeatedly, in the stomach.
Because I COULD See, because I could feel, because I was the witness, I somehow thought it was my mission, to take care of everyone else. Not in a feed you, shelter you kind of way, like their survival was their business, but their energy, somehow, in a warped way, was mine.
I put everyone else’s needs before my own. I felt like I couldn’t have needs because other people’s needs, crises, stuff, trumped mine every time. I could always feel how much pain they were in, and it was so much more than anything I’d allowed myself to feel. They weren’t aware of their pain, not like I was, so I just…took it for them, or as much of it as I could.
I was sick all the time as a child. All the time. A few close calls with death as a kid. Allergic to everything, anaphylactic shock, medications and surgeries and homeopathy. A heart attack. (Shamanic initiation if I’ve ever heard one, right?) The Universe with a giant sparkly 2 x 4 telling me to stop living for everyone else, and start living for myself.
I didn’t know, that was the thing, who I was. I spent most of my life outside of my body. Being in my body meant pain, meant discomfort, meant hives and having to really truly pay attention to what I was feeling, which was everyone else’s stuff. And no one else was like me, no one else knew what I was. And I didn’t know how to deal with my own stuff, let alone everyone else’s. I didn’t even know what was my stuff, after a while.
Seeing it now, that I was entirely being a Being, a LightBeing, a Being of energy, freaking out against the conformity of pain and disease and sadness and discomfort and everything I found in everyone around me. I rejected it and rejected it and rejected it, hence the hives, until I couldn’t anymore.
The people in my life didn’t see me, couldn’t see me, because they couldn’t see themselves. All love felt conditional, all Light was inside me that wanted to express was “too much”, for everyone else. Human learned that pain was the order of the day, that that suffering was just what was done here, that Light as anything other than an abstract concept wasn’t allowed, after a certain point. You can be this creative, you can be this expressive, you can be this and this and this. As long as you cram yourself into these tiny little boxes you’re okay.
My entire life, there have only been a handful of folk who saw as much, who felt as much, who felt as deeply. I made sure to fit my created self into everyone else’s boxes by constricting and constricting and constricting. Making myself smaller and smaller and smaller (how small can I get and still exist?), making sure everyone else just saw someone else with pain(because you can’t be too happy!), in pain, and I held it, and I held it, and I held it, until I took it personally, until it became my pain. Until I was hurting just as much as them, and I thought it was mine. I thought it belonged to me. And no one told me different, because they all thought the same way too. I had conformed without realizing it. I forgot who I was, as much as possible, for a while there.
The entirety of my teenage years, I was in survival mode. I wasn’t in my body, the body meant pain, even if I had blocked out specific things, the cells remembered, and wanted no part of my presence. Presence meant I would remember, and I couldn’t do that, at all costs. All the pain would come rushing back that I had buried. And I was quite sure, until I medically transitioned ( top surgery and testosterone) that I would drown in it.
The hormones provided me with clarity and space, and after top surgery, I could BE, fully in my body. I remember taking my first few breaths after surgery and just sobbing, because finally, finally there wasn’t this thousand pound weight on my chest, finally I could breathe.
Once I could breathe, then it was like the Universe/my Soul cranked up the urgency, the drive, the vibrational work a thousand times, once pure survival was out of the way, once I was actually in my body, and I could REMEMBER everything, all the memories in the cells, all the past and present and future and parallel lives, all the pain and all the joy, all the dimensions and all the angels and guides and heavens, it was, over and over and over, You HAVE TO ASCEND. RIGHT NOW. AS FAST AS POSSIBLE.
I needed to go through everything I needed to go through, I did, but it was quite the journey. I definitely asked myself more than once, why did I make it quite this hardcore?
I needed to remember every past life, I needed to flit through all the dimensions, I needed to birth stars and galaxies, dragons and wolf pups and live all the multidimensional realities I could. I needed to feel EVERYTHING.
The thing was, I became so focused on raising my vibration, I kinda forgot to live life. “Life” for so long, had felt too hard, too scary, so I just…didn’t. Human me was operating under the assumption that once I Ascended, once the core frequency was at awesome and only ever side tripped into amazing, that I’d be able to go out in the world and live….and that I couldn’t do that before I remembered everything.
But the grand shift, that gorgeous third wave of Ascension the other day, and everything the past couple of months has brought, helped human me wake up to the fact that there can be no more hiding. That yes, I’m “weird” according to the humans. Yes, I’ve had some pretty “crazy” experiences, but I can no longer hide….because all of YOU are waking up too! And you’re going to be having awesome fantastic really weird things of your own, and I’m here to guide and help move you through everything that feels scary and strange to all your human parts.
I’m remembering, and remembering, and remembering, more all the time, and it’s beautiful. I can remember, and I can live. The two aren’t mutually exclusive anymore.
It feels like all the “hard stuff” is over, like we’ve finally made it, like all the pushing and pushing and pushing, all of the personal ascension stuff (yes, it’s still occurring, but it doesn’t have any of that life-or-death feeling anymore) is finished.
We’ve Ascended, darlings, even if the majority hasn’t caught up yet, to the frequencies, we’ve done it. Like we’ve caught up/are catching up to Gaia and her Ascension, and the truth of the amazing future is right NOW!
Right NOW. Right HERE. In this breath, in this moment, relax and love and love and love.
Love and Love and LOVE, Beloveds!
I love youuuuuu!