My Soul is Home. My Soul is HOME. Thank you, Panache, thank you, Beloved, thank you, Brother, thank you, my favorite Avatar ever, thank you, my favorite expression of Divine Love, THANK YOU.
…I don’t really have words for this past weekend, but I must share some of it, translate a little of the community and the all -encompassing Love I experienced.
Last weekend I was in Orlando for Panache Desai’s Global Gathering. It was my first one….and I’ve never been anywhere where so many people, who I had perceived as strangers at the beginning of the weekend, were family at the end.
My Soul is Home. HOME. All the way HOME.
…Don’t get me wrong, I still want, I still desire, I’m still freaking excited and terrified and astounded at Life, I still want to go on all of these adventures and have all of these awesome experiences….but I’m no longer SEEKING.
I’ve done the seeking thing, I’m fucking done with it. DONE.
Even after this past summer, that entire gorgeous week with Panache at Omega, there was still a hint of looking for something, of still hoping something outside of myself would come down from on high and take me out of where I am, whether that was a physical place or a state of consciousness, there was still this hope for a savior, for some magic, this tiny seed that the answers, any and all of the most important answers, somehow somewhere existed outside of myself, if only I could find them. If only I looked hard enough.
…I don’t need to do that anymore. Seeking over. My Soul is HOME.
I’ve never cried as much as this weekend. EVER. Usually the energy lays me out, usually I twitch, or float, or go completely out of my mind, or shake with the intensity, or shamanic puke, or giggle hysterically, and sometimes I cry. This past weekend, 90% of the energy came through as heart-wrenching, uncontrollable sobbing, weeping and weeping and weeping, with occasional screams. So many tears I didn’t think I could possibly cry anymore, so many tears that I wondered, where was the joy?
Because I cried at Omega too, I cried, I was angry, I wept, but 90% of that entire experience was blistering soul streaming JOY, so much joy I couldn’t contain it, so much love my face hurt from smiling so much, and I was just blissed out. I was in love with life! And here, now, last weekend, I was still remarkably, amazingly, still completely in love with life, still loving every experience, still so freaking grateful for every single one…but wondering where in the hell the constant experience of joy fluttered off to.
Why wasn’t I experiencing it? I was sobbing, to the point where I just gave up on kleenex, and let all the tears come, as much as I could without judgement(but I still wanted something different to happen, I still wanted the joy).
And there were gorgeous shining incredible moments of joy, beautiful pieces, giggle-fit laughter and deep community, a great unceasing ocean of peace, awash with Light, and I was Home, I was Home, I was Home, I AM HOME…but there were still tears, and I thought there was still something wrong with me for the first 2 days. The third day was when it all broke open, tears and giggle fits and shamanic puking and choking and coughing my lungs out of my body, and so much was lifted off of me, SO MUCH that it’s taken me weeks to process.
Panache has had this way of bringing up my needy little kid. My Soul knows that everything is going to be okay, that everything is PERFECT….but my personality still wants him to hug me and tell me that everything is going to be okay. He was my big brother, I looked to him for everything…and I judged the neediness, because surely I should be over this already?
…I was still under the illusion that spirituality, that enlightenment (whatever that means!) is supposed to look a certain way. Namely, blissed out of my mind, all of the time, and when I’m not experiencing that, surely, something was wrong. Thank you, GG weekend, thank you Divinity, for helping me realize how utter bullshit that is 🙂
Thank you for bringing up all my insecurities, all my vulnerabilities, so I can see them clearly for what they are: identification with what is untrue.
…There’s so much conditioning, so much, that holds the space of unworthiness and unloveability, and not good enough, and how deep those lies go. All the tears was letting go of every false self, every self that I was convinced was me, when in fact, none of it was ever true.
I let go. I LET GO. And it is more and more, each day, each moment, no longer vibrating at the resonance of unworthiness, no longer holding space for not-good-enough in my consciousness (HA! that originally typoed as not-god-enough!) which I think is more true than anything.
My Soul is HOME.
There is Peace now, a deep seated peace, that is only deepening every day. I love myself, I love all of me, I have embraced all of me, and there is only Light and expansion calling the future into Presence. There is this deep Knowing of who I AM, of my Truth as a Soul, of my Truth as DIVINE, and nothing else. The tears haven’t ceased, but I am lessening the attachment to it, I am lessening the judgement to it. It is energy moving through, it is a beautiful experience.
If someone had asked me at the gathering why I was crying, I couldn’t have told them, there was no reason behind it, it was just oceans and oceans and lifetimes of tears. A deep-seated grief eventually surfaced, this roaring out of pain, mine and everyone else’s, from everywhere, grieving for every moment where I had sat in illusion, all the time wasted where I was convinced I was unworthy or unloveable, where I was less than my magnificent self. Every life where I played small, where I fell into fear and doubt and pain, every life of sadness and rage and ego, all came up, through the energy, and it was such a deep release, it has taken me 2 weeks to be able to put any of this into words, let alone integrate any of this all the way through my body. It is revelation after revelation, it is Light after Light after Love. It is Knowing myself as God, it is experiencing the Christ Grid as myself, it is Knowing that in every moment of resistance that comes, that is only the next catalyst to the next beautiful expansion of my Soul.
I went to a Phoenix Rising Yoga class, and in the body awareness space….finally, 2 weeks after the Gathering…there was nothing wrong with me. There was no dark part of me. There was no darkness, there was nothing that needed to be fixed, or healed or changed. My aura didn’t need fluffing, my chakras didn’t need to be spun, I didn’t need to channel a damn thing, because EVERYTHING was Light. Everything that existed inside my physical body and beyond it, every multi-dimensional part of me, was Light. Glowing, gorgeous, beaming liquid Light, so much so that when I was wrapped in Light by my Beloved, what was inside of my body was brighter, was beaming more powerfully, was glowing more beautifully than what Light I was receiving. The Knowing that there is no part of me that is not God. That all is Divine Light, and the embodied awareness of that, is so beautiful, and I am so grateful for it.
I AM DIVINE. YOU ARE DIVINE! WE ARE ALL DIVINE!
I was able to share in the Love A’fair, and finally, finally, FINALLY step out of my own way, step out of my way all together this weekend, to let the Divine move through me fully. It is still a process, it is a little gorgeous death for the ego, it is surrendering more and more each time, but it is the allowing of it, that is so so beautiful. Weeping thinking about it, because for all the years of trying and efforting and trying so hard to do something, to be something other than what I AM, all I ever had to do (all we ever have to do) is BREATHE and RELAX. Allow the Love that You Are to come flowing through you, because it is always here, dear one, it is always here, and it is always loving you. It is just waiting for you to love it back, to let yourself receive it.
We fell into Oneness while listening to rave music and a medley of Disney songs, we raved and danced and screamed and laughed ourselves silly, and I scared myself on the waterslide, and it was amazing.
My body hurt from all the dancing. Thank you for the insane joy that risies up in me every time MC I- AM makes an appearance. Instant happy. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
Thank you. Chandrakant, for sharing a form of yoga I could do, and enjoy, even at 7 am. thank you for bringing the Oneness back to yoga, for bringing the true meaning of yoga back to yoga. Thank you for helping me fall in love with it again, in this clumsy body.
Thank you, Rob Wergin, for the healing sessions, for the amazing group sessions. So many grateful tears, so much healing, so much love, thank you, Brother. Thank you for showing me what is possible when you let go and let the Divine move through.
Sofia, darling, thank you for your laughter, thank you for your blessings, thank you for your joy. Thank you for the whispers in my ears, for the hugs, for being with me, for being with us, in the ballroom and out of it, especially while you were at Disney (the happiest place on earth, and you wanted to be here with us! How special is that!), for being the presence of joy and light and love that was relatable, all the time, and I love you so much, Sister. I keep receiving that you and my children are going to be great friends, that in fact you already are, and that fills me with such overwhelming joy I don’t know what to do except beam it from the rooftops. I love you so much! Thank you for your Presence.
Celeste, darling dearest gorgeous Love, thank you for being here, thank you for darshan, thank you for your blessing, for your Love, for your instant LOVE, little sister. Thank you for being here, for loving us. You are completely awake and aware and beautiful, so so beautiful. The telepathy, how you heard me, with everyone else in the room. We know each other, in that moment we knew each other soul to soul, and I love you so much. I said: I love you, sweetheart, I’m so glad you’re here with us, you’re so beautiful, and you turned and looked me directly in the eyes, and there was this soul-transmission, this passing of knowledge and understanding and unconditional love between us, and all I could do was cry. I love you so much, little sister.
Thank you for the Holy Communion. Perhaps there’s another word for it, but since I’m trying to describe the indescribable, that is what works. Communion. Sharing the Divine through us, Soul to Soul, that shining, brilliant, blissed out joy, that this is what Unconditional Love is, this is what it’s like to truly Know another, to truly Love another, for in the Oneness that we are, we are only ever One, we only ever have always been One. The separation falls away and there is only Love, filling every corner of everything, there is only communication with another, Soul to Soul, there is only ever God.
THERE IS ONLY EVER GOD, speaking through us. Speaking as us. Wordless and with words, when we allow it to be conscious. This Presence, this Love, requires no words anymore, and as much as I love words, as much as they have always been the way I have expressed my Soul, it is such a relief to no longer need them to try to express the inexpressible!
The energy is always there, the vibration is always there, all that is wanting is for it to be tapped into. Presence requires no words. Love requires no words. You are the conduit for God.
This Presencing of Divinity, (where two or more are gathered, the More is the Divine-thank you, Brother), this, this Knowing, this was the original intent of Communion. THANK you for restoring and healing and bringing forth the Unconditional Love. The past two thousand years were healed, in an instant for me, and I am so grateful It feels so good to let it all go. That it was the past, and it doesn’t matter! We don’t need to hang onto it anymore, from any lifetime. We are moving ever forward, and it is beautiful to witness, our evolution, our vibration, our frequency ever raising higher and higher and higher, us ever becoming, us ever aligning more with our Soul.
Thank you for the Knowing that I am (that we all are!) as powerful as we think we are, even more so. I used to think that was ego, this feeling that I was very old, that I was tired, that I remembered so much, that I couldn’t possibly be that person, have done that in that lifetime, etc, but it was all true for me. And letting go of the subjective truth, and embracing the Universal.
That we are all fucking POWERFUL, or we wouldn’t be here. That we are Infinite. That we have the capacity to be all that we have been created to be, and it is time to claim that power. It is time to claim our magnificence!
No more tiptoeing around other people’s judgements and perceptions and feelings. No more inauthenticity. No more bullshit. No more lies, no more half-truths, no more playing small so other people don’t feel uncomfortable in your Presence.
If you’re here, if you’re reading this, you are a catalyst, you are here to bring up what everyone around you is uncomfortable with so they can look at it, (whether they want to or not!). You, by the very nature of your Being, of your Presence, uplifts people. You raise their vibration, you help them see who they really are: A Soul, A Divine Child of God. That is the only Truth to which you need hold.
It also bears repeating you are not responsible for them or their reaction to you. Show up as you are, and all the rest is falling into place as you let it.
You ARE the Holy Lineage of God. You Are the Holy Divine Light. You are holy, and that goes for every part of you, even the parts you still perceive broken, or unloveable, or dark or bad or wrong. They are NOT, by the way, they are beautiful, and they, too, are Loved. You are holy. Your blood is holy, your skin is holy, your body is holy. Your eyes are holy, your ears are holy, your tongue is holy. Your mind is blessed, and so is your heart. Every part of you, from every lifetime, from every dimension, from every plane of existence, is holy. YOU ARE DIVINE. There is no part of you that is not Divinity. There is no part of you that is not LOVE itself.
THANK YOU for the letting go of all the spiritual trappings. The guides are fired, the angels can go guide another, there is no one that has spiritual authority over you. YOU are your own spiritual authority now. (You always have been, now is just the time to own it). And that is not to say that there won’t be guides, that there won’t be messengers or messages…but they are only ever aspects of you. They do not know more than you do, about your own Soul.
Thank you for letting go of the need to perform. No healings need to happen, ever. The one seeking needs nothing from you. You are simply transmitting the energy. Their aura is perfect, their chakras are aligned, they too are pure Divinity. It doesn’t need to “look like” I’m doing a healing ever again. No more weird hand motions, no more explaining myself, all that’s necessary is the trust that you have received, energetically, EVERYTHING that is required in the moment, your Highest expansion of Light, regardless of what the form looks like.
You are taken care of, you are held, you are loved. You are supported, you are seen, you are known, all of you, in the Holy Instant of the Witness, in the Consciousness of my Soul communing with Yours. You Are Holy, Beloved, You have already all that you need, all that you perceive you need inside you. You ARE indeed all that you have always been looking for. There is no need to go anywhere, to seek anything else. You are only ever seeking yourself. You are only ever receiving yourself. You are only ever receiving GOD.
I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. THANK YOU, BELOVED. Thank you lovely, gorgeous, darling loves. Thank you. Thank you for giving me back to myself, thank you for bringing me back Home to my Soul, thank you.
I love you, Soul Family, I love you.